Kudakwashe Mutyambizi
Cell 2 Soul. 2006 Winter; 2(4):a18
The pendulum of his moods confused me.
In his calm he shared the beauty of his mind
Each living moments experience a
Chiaroscuro of color, motion, emotion,
Moment's that passed under the radar of my consciousness
My thoughts centered on
Biopsychosocial therapy
But he noticed,
The soft prickle of an apple's juices on a yearning tongue
He experienced the energy in his steps
Connecting the dots; bone to cartilage to bone to muscle; head to toe
Concatenate.
Was the connection the same if one walked
Backwards
As opposed to forwards?
The nursing entry in his chart
Patient is out and visible on the ward
Has been pacing for several hours
In his storm he lashed out
I caused the hurricane in Florida
That's why I went down there
Don't you see?
Individual culpability
You, me
We all did it
Abilify, fie, fie, I do defy!
I rebuke you and your drugs!
You Doctors, manipulators of the truth
He points, triumphant in his evidence against us
Look at the way that window only allows
Slithered chinks of feeble light to enter
Distorted to disorient, confuse, stifle
Us...
It is simply a window with shutters
But can I deny his point of view?
With what honesty can I write that judgment
"Patient's insight is impaired?"
As his dose of Seroquel is increased
He scorns, Sleep, prepare for life
At which familiar words my ears prick up
For had T.S.E not kept me company in my own troubled times?
Curiosity piqued, I befriended him
Or tried,
After many conversations, visited and revisited,
Of all that we had read in common,
And so much more that he had
Read, and thought, and dreamed.
Seeing brilliance in him
"Why don't you write — have your own word,
Your own say?"
And face my demons ...?
I know you question, you wonder, you doubt,
Yet in the end you are just their fledgling child,
Student,
Privy to the secret discussions, decisions, verdicts
Behind that glass shield
Protecting you from us you think?
Everything is done for you to learn, to experience — us
Every day you leave here,
You live, You live! Why can't I live !
All true,
But there is a co-existent truth.
As you fight the rebellious son's fight
Against one who is not your father,
One who sacrifices time spent with family
To stay after hours and talk with yours
Providing updates, reassurances
Finds books to feed your genius
(As well as temper your madness with pills)
If I told you, would you believe it?
Or denounce me as one of them ?
Physicians Emergency Certificate?
This is a civil rights case in the making I tell you
And then, behind the stance of belligerence
A moment of self doubt
When you want to read, or do something
Can you concentrate …and just do it?
Everyone should be able to do that... I should...
Those are pearls that were his eyes!
Eyes pleading for help that a proud mouth can't
And then, without hint of remorse,
Oh I'm sorry, I guess you didn't hear
I didn't take my pills last night
I hid them under my tongue and spat them out.
Smirking pride at his deception.
Oh, and I gave them to another guy
That he might be lifted high
By your Abilify
But I took them this morning and feel…different.
Not heavy…solid.
I am solid.
It came time to say goodbye,
I was going to my next rotation.
Oh, you are leaving are you?
Well, it is to be expected
After all, what begins must end
"I'm sorry…"
Confused, cut off, disappointed, I stood as he turned away
And refused eye contact for the rest of the day
He is hypersensitive to women, I was told
Still, I didn't understand. After all,
I had been other things, had I not?
Physician, confidante, enemy
Well, what had I expected anyway?